Thursday, August 31, 2017

Selling Abe an iPhone

President Lincoln I have something cool here that’s going to dramatically change your life. It’s called an iPhone.

The iPhone is made mostly out of plastic. Plastic was invented in the 1860s in Europe so you may not have seen it yet. It’s like a cross between glass & rubber but not really. It’s made from oil. All you probably know that comes from oil is kerosene. That’s gonna change. A lot.

OK. Rubber you know. Glass is what windows are made of right? We iPhone people don’t like to talk about windows because we think Bill Gates is a goober.

Not Google Mr President. Goober. Where did you come up with Google?

No not goober as in a peanut. A goober in a different way. Nerd. Dweeb. Geek. No? Let me think. Aha. A bookworm!

No offense intended Mr President. I know you like to read. Don’t get testy. A dill weed! That’s what we’ll call Bill Gates. Let’s move on.

You know how you communicate back & forth with your generals via telegraph? And how their commanders signal to troops on the battlefield with bugles & flags?

Put this iPhone in a few peoples’ hands & this little war will wrap up in no time. If it gets too loud to talk because of cannons & muskets & stuff your generals can always text or do FaceTime. Or Snapchat. But then you’d have to teach them emojis. Scratch Snapchat.

You can even set your own ring tone. Battle Hymn of the Republic usually costs extra but I could throw it in.

OK. You know how you dictate letters & speeches to secretaries?

You don’t do that? You write stuff by hand?! Wow Mr President. You’ll never be remembered for much unless you get with the times & become more efficient. Every lawyer in your day dictates.

Let’s assume you DID dictate all your stuff to secretaries. They have to scribble notes as fast as you can talk. Then someone courier has to rush it to a printer. They have to pretty it up for you to sign.

With this iPhone even that would be a thing of the past. You talk to it & it shows you what you just said. And you can send that straight to your BFFs. Bypass the middleman.

You know how it took so long for Americans to learn about your Gettysburg address? With the iPhone you could text it to everyone instantly. You could do an Emancipation Proclamation blog or podcast & those folks would be freed in a New York minute.

The IPhone also has a great camera. This thing will put Mathew Brady out of business. He’s a nice guy I know but his pictures take so f-r-i-g-g-i-n l-o-n-g to develop. I know you hate to sit still for him. Then there’s Facebook & Instagram but let’s not get into the weeds. 

There’s a future president who really likes to Tweet & it drives his staff nuts. Never mind. I said I’d only take up about 15 minutes of your time so let’s stay on track.

Now. About maps. I used to argue with my wife all the time about directions & maps. But that was before Siri came along to get us everywhere. If you’re way out in the country she might still steer you the wrong way down a one way road but she’s getting better. My wife never did get any better at maps. 

Siri can be a nuisance kinda like my wife but not nearly as bad. I understand Mrs Lincoln can be quite the handful am I right?

Sorry. Let’s not get into that.

You can even get an iPhone compass but that’s an app you gotta download. If you buy today I’ll throw in a bootleg copy of the compass.

The iPhone is also an alarm clock. You can wake up to Inna Gada Da Vida. Or Battle Hymn of the Republic. Iron Butterfly or Julia Ward Howe. Your choice.

With iTunes you can listen to all of your favorite songs anytime anywhere. But you’ll want to get some ear buds. Those require Bluetooth. Before you ask - no that has nothing to do with whatever ailed poor George Washington.

With iBooks you can also read your favorite books anywhere. Why would anyone want to read a book on this little thing? I can’t figure that out either. Ask some 12 year old but not Tad.

This iPhone runs only $600.

No wait. Calm down Mr President. That’s only about 35 bucks in your money. It’s about $600,000 in Confederate notes & the price of everything is going up mighty fast for them don’t ya know.

Glad you enjoy my little joke at the expense of those rebel rascals.

I’m just glad you’ll be around to make sure they can recover with dignity once this skirmish is over.

I am going to offer you & General Grant an exclusive on this iPhone but only if you buy today. Otherwise I’ll take this south to see if Jefferson Davis & Robert E Lee might find the gadget useful.

You say I resemble General Lee? I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or not.

I get more Ernest Hemingway. He was involved in a Civil War too. That was a Spanish thing but I digress.

One thing about the iPhone is you can’t use it in a theater.

Ya like Ford’s. It really pisses off Mr Ford & the cast if you get a call when folks are trying to focus on a play. They hate interruptions. 

I hear that play Our American Cousin coming to town in April is overrated. If I were you I’d stay home with the Mrs & curl up with some Ken Burns series on the DVR.

What’s a DVR? Sorry Mr President no time to get into that. I have another urgent appointment across town.

So how many iPhones should I put you down for? Excellent. Thank you for the order Mr. President!

Do not contact:

Tim Cook
1 Infinite Loop
Cupertino CA 95014
408 996–1010

Abraham Lincoln
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington DC 20500

Apple & Abraham Lincoln did not approve of this message.