Saturday, August 26, 2017

I Never Liked Danny Anderson

Atlanta GA

I never liked Danny Anderson. 

The only reason I ever tolerated him was he is Loran Smith’s cousin.

That and he may one day have a house in Orlando where I could crash if I’m desperate.

That and he may one day marry way out of his league & have a very hot wife and pleasant children I might want to get to know. 

That and he may one day have real good seats at the Gator Bowl or Alltel Stadium or EverBank Field or whatever they will call it next year. 

I met Danny when we were sophomores at the University of Georgia. He was one of 29 in the pledge class I trained at our Fraternity of Phi Gamma Delta. It was by far our largest pledge class to date. Many of those 29 were very unlikable young men. Danny was by far the least likable.

I continued to tolerate Danny for four years. We signed a sacred pact & oath we would never disclose to anyone anything that ever happened during those four years. That makes this a much shorter toast. 

Upon graduation I moved to Atlanta & didn't care about whatever happened to Danny. Unfortunately he showed up in Atlanta. We played racquetball on occasion when I could not come up with any plausible excuse to avoid him. On one of my finer days I almost put Danny's eye out with a spectacular backhand. My only regret is that backhand lacked the velocity it has today.

Years after Danny thankfully left Atlanta I made a trip to Orlando. Danny said I could stay at his house under the condition he would not be there. That was a good thing, as the only condition under which I would stay at his house was if Danny would be somewhere else.

Many years later I unfortunately saw Danny again before a Georgia football game. We were at the famous Dawg Walk, and I hoisted young Davis on top of my shoulders for a better view. My initial impulse was to drop Davis to prevent the continuation of Danny's gene pool. But Davis was such a fine young man I thought better of it.

I have made several trips to Jacksonville for UGA football games. Against my better judgement I call Danny in advance only to see if he can score me free tickets. He offers no tickets but advises me he will occupy a luxury skybox to which I am not invited. Still against my better judgement I meet him before games hoping one of his skybox guests died, making a spot available for me. Invariably no one ever dies, and the best Danny can do is ask to bum a cigar.

I recently tried to help outstanding Garrett by calling some attorney friends to aid him in his career. I wanted to suggest that he pursue some legal specialty where he can sue the pants off his father while leaving his lovely mother and siblings in sound financial condition. Not sure why but I kept that advice to myself.

Which brings us to the occasion of Danny's 60th birthday. I cannot tell you how glad I am to not be there. Unless of course Danny is somewhere else. I regret that I can't see lovely Kim or any of the excellent Anderson children. But it’s great not to see Danny.

I will finish by saying Danny has spent 60 too many years on this planet. If he has another 60 in him I solemnly hope he spends them far away from me.

I am sure the rest of you in the room on this auspicious occasion are very pleasant people. Why you have anything to do with Danny Anderson only you can answer.

In closing:

Danny Anderson ~ Happy 60th Birthday to My BFFF!
Best Friend Faraway Forever

The Wall Street Journal did not approve of this message or its content. Nor would they likely approve of Danny Anderson.